I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Blood and glitter go together right?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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