Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My pussy is not your playground.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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