dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
whose parrot is this?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
