she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
