my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
