i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
