I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
