i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
