How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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