It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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