Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
