Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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