Pants 0. Shit 1.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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