Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
