I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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