I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
