Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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