I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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