Small penises have feelings too.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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