woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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