what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
