"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
