i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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