You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Randomize
