he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
