I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I lost the right to judge tonight
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
