I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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