i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
you traded sex for a burrito?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
