In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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