I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
