I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
