Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
