Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
