I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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