I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
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The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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