i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
