Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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