Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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