I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
