He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
