Someone shit on the floor
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
