I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
