tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
