So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
