There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We have started to decorate penises.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
