me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
