He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
