it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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