I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
