in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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