Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
