mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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