my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
