Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out