like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country