I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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