I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?