I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
