I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
